Tuesday, March 25, 2008

“But the reality is that [Barack Obama] runs on a populist program that says very little of substance, except that he represents hope and change.”

We don’t think even that’s substantial. “Hope” and “Change,” along with “Stability,” “Initiative,” “Experience,” “Progressiveness,” and all the other abstract virtues politicians profess to have are pitifully vague. Obama’s website saccharinely claims to be powered by “Hope and supporters like you”—we’re guessing it’s probably more the latter, but “Hope” receives noticeably more emphasis; John McCain links to a tale of his “Courageous Service” where surfers can “watch the incredible story of a true American hero who is singularly prepared to lead”—evidently when true American heroes are elected president they don’t need vice presidents, Congress, the American people…; Hillary Clinton’s website was currently unavailable.

Now compare the vague praises they lavish upon themselves with the very detailed attacks they direct at their opponents:

Obama [referring to Hillary]: …while I was working on those streets watching those folks see their jobs shift overseas, you were a corporate lawyer sitting on the board at Wal-Mart…the irony of this is that you provided much more fulsome praise of Ronald Reagan in a book by Tom Brokaw that's being published right now, as did -- as did Bill Clinton in the past. So these are the kinds of political games that we are accustomed to.

Hillary [referring to Obama]: You gave a great speech in 2002 opposing the war in Iraq…it was after having given that speech, by the next year the speech was off your Web site. By the next year, you were telling reporters that you agreed with President Bush in his conduct of the war. And by the next year, when you were in the Senate, you were voting to fund the war time after time after time.

McCain: By the way, Senator Obama, it's a “flak” jacket.

The differences are quite…epic. If the candidates truly wish us take them at their words, do they truly expect us to believe that a nine-minute video of their self-described heroism qualifies them for office, or that a misplaced “c” disqualifies their opponent? How silly can we get?

Clinton: So vote for Hillary Clinton: Hope for America.

Obama: I’m sorry, Senator, but I’m afraid you can’t say that; my campaign’s trademarked that phrase.

Clinton: “Hope for America”?

Obama: Actually “Vote for Hillary Clinton: Hope for America”; we figured you’d say something like that in your campaign, so my campaign bought up all the positive slogans that included your name: “Hillary Clinton: Hope for America,” “Hillary Clinton: Change for America,” “Hillary Clinton for President”—you owe us a lot of royalties for that one, by the way.

McCain: And my campaign’s trademarked all the attacks with your name: “Hillary Clinton: Bad for America,” “Hillary Clinton: The Outsource-ress,” “Hillary Clinton: Baby Eater.”

Clinton: I don’t eat babies!

Obama: Oh [checks list], you can’t say that, either.

Clinton: I…

McCain: You know, it’d probably be best if you just didn’t talk.

Obama: And is that what you want, America? A candidate who refuses to speak out on the issues that really matter?

McCain: Like education, something my esteemed opponent has time and again proven lacking of. This is a man who, since he could first write, has consistently misspelled his own first name B-A-R-A-C-K. By the way, Senator Obama, it’s B-A-R-A-K.

Obama: It’s not my first name that’s important; it’s my middle name: H-O-P-E.

McCain: Well, you can’t spell the one thing a president needs without my first name, John—for J-O-H-O-N-E-S-T-Y.

Obama: Well, I bet you can’t spell this [throws a punch; chaos ensues].

HT to one of our favorite blogs...but you probably could have figured that out for yourselves.